Yesterday I wrote about Dungeons and Dragons, but this morning I want to talk about the only dragon that really matters. He’s about ‘yay’ high, purple and has the voice of a late 90s skateboarding American teen.
The Spyro Reignited Trilogy is coming to us this September and I haven’t been this excited for a video game remaster since they did they exact same thing with the original Crash Bandicoot trilogy last year. Usually I’m against remasters, reboots and reimagining across all media platforms, particularly if it was something that was done well the first time around. But Vicarious Visions did such a good job with the beloved Bandicoot, that I trust them with that darn dragon.
As far as I can tell the kids these days are playing a game called Fortnite, and if a rebooted Spyro series can get them to play a real platformer for a couple of weeks then I’m all for it. I was at a barbecue at the weekend where some child was playing Fortnite on his phone. He turned from a perfectly polite human being into some monster screaming at a tiny screen. Which, some to think of it, is exactly what I’ll be like when attempting some of the more difficult orb challenges on Spyro 2.
I’m going to ramble about everything I’m looking forward to revisiting in the remastered Spyro games. I’m aware that this topic would be a great one to practice writing in a clickbait style for. And while I’m training myself to write about more populist things, I’m still not at the point where I can write titles like:
Seven Things We Can’t Wait To See In The Spyro Reignited Trilogy!
The Spyro Home Worlds: Ranked! You Won’t Believe Number #1
Nine Easter Eggs From Spyro The Dragon, Number Six Will Make You Shit Satsumas!
I’m just not there yet. I can’t do it, I’m sorry.
I can’t wait to once again play a game that’s so incredibly vibrant and colourful. Spyro was great as a seven year old because it was just bright colours and shapes that you collected as you moved through various imaginative worlds. It’s all any young child wants and needs to pass a weekend. The collectable gems were the main source of the game’s vibrancy and I became obsessive about collecting every single one before exiting a level.
This might be quite a controversial statement, but I hope they move the positions of where the gems are located. I don’t think they will, but it would make for a more interesting play-through if I didn’t know exactly where each and every jewel was hidden. Obviously I want everything else (major collectables, mini-games, scenery etc) to be exactly as it was, but new gem locations would add an extra challenge without changing the core fabric of the original games.
I’m looking forward to hearing those soundtracks again. The music for all three games were composed by former drummer for The Police, Stewart Copeland, and every track is an absolute belter than I can still jam to. I’m currently typing to the beat of the Lofty Castle theme and I’m grabbing your face and telling you that this should’ve been the future of music! I’m told by the four corners of the internet that the original soundtrack will be included, which was the only right way to go about this remaster.
I’m not looking forward to that bastard pelican from Breeze Harbour. There’s a mini-game in which you have to ride a trolley and collect floating gears whilst avoiding certain obstacles. Anyone who’s played the original games knows that it can take a fair few attempts. Each and every time I failed, the same dialogue of “Trouble with the trolley, eh?” would blast out of my 14″ “portable” television. It was rage-inducing. It was dying in Dark Souls if after every death you were mocked by Nazeem from Skyrim.
The third Spyro game in the original trilogy had more mini-games and collectables than the prior two. It even introduced alternative characters to play as, which should be interesting to revisit. Sheila was an Australian stereotype, but at least they didn’t put her in one of those cork-string hats. Sargent Bird was a penguin that could fly? Bentley was a yeti and Agent Nine was a sociopath. I’m hoping that they all have the originally character design, and they don’t randomly put tits on Sheila or something. Seems like there’s a lot of furries in the video game industry these days, so it wouldn’t surprise me.
I wonder if Bentley boxing will be two-player.
I can’t wait to get back to Idol Springs and charge down those ‘mallow-eating wankers.
I bet the arses of the yellow men in the Peace Keepers home-world who flash you are complete with HD textures.
It’s going to be a long summer. I suppose there’ll be other things that happen between now and then that can keep us distracted from the impending death of the species, but I’ve got nothing off the top of my head.
I’ll probably 100% all three games within a week, unless they decide to make them substantially more difficult, like they did with Crash. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a fun week, and the whole world for a small slice of time will be talking about that purple dragon again. Just like Pokemon in 2016, and Crash last year.
What happens when they run out of nostalgic things to target millennials with? I don’t even want to think about remasters of remasters. We’re probably still a couple of decades away from those, I would hope.
Today is Tuesday May 15th and always remember that Zephyr and Breeze Harbour are at war with each other.