Royal Wedding 2018

It never ends, does it? First, colonisation and slavery. Now, they won’t stop getting married and reproducing. I hope at least one of the next generation of royals is asexual, so we at least have a chance of fewer weddings.

Royal weddings probably won’t even matter by then, because the nukes come for everyone. Although it wouldn’t surprise me if they have a Royal Bunker, deep in the bowels of Windsor Castle. A bunker that ten lucky British citizens will be allowed into, in order to aid in repopulating the nation.

Plot twist: Prince Philip is the only survivor. Good luck ladies! Your country needs you!


In all seriousness, I haven’t minded all of the Royal Wedding hype this time around. Did I watch any of it? Absolutely not. I’m not that bored yet. But I wasn’t as annoyed by its presence.

I think that might be because current events are so eye-achingly depressing, that I’m finding it more of a challenge to be angry about the happier moments in the social consciousness. Yes, a wedding between royals is, at most, an expression of love between two people that nobody else should care about; And at worst a positive publicity-grab to make up for the billions they’ve exploited from the rest of the world over the centuries.

But it’s better than another mass shooting, or the slaughtering of people in the middle-east, or Laurel/Yanny.

It could be that I’m not as cynical about the royal wedding this time around because I’m less than a month removed from my own wedding. A day that I originally thought to be a pointless public expression, of words that you’re always happy to tell the only other person that matters. But actually, because we did things our own way, it was a lot of fun and a unique experience. Plus, I felt all warm and disgusting in my heart.

We decided to write our own vows, and I’m glad we did. Any other way wouldn’t have felt, to us, like a genuine expression of our love for each other. I understand why a lot of people use the traditional vows, they’re a safe and trusted option on a day that can already be stressful enough without having to put forward your original thoughts to a room of people.

It’s my understanding that Harry and Meghan did not write their own vows, and that they opted for the more traditional route.


So, let me present to you the ENTIRELY FICTIONALISED, but very personally written wedding vows, of both Prince Henry Charles Albert David Windsor and Rachel Meghan Markle. I’m certain that these are the words they would’ve said to each other, were it not for the pressures of society, and the fact that hundreds of millions of people were watching worldwide.

These are the words that they’re definitely (not really) thinking about each other.

Meghan’s Vows For Harry


Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a fairy. Not a fairy princess, an actual fairy. I wanted to flap around at the end of long and winding country gardens, convincing people that I exist, only to disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Poof! *Explosive hand gesture* 

Then, when I was older, around twenty-eight or twenty-nine, I decided that fairies weren’t real. So I followed my second dream of becoming an actress, which are things that definitely exist. They pretend to be people who don’t really exist, but the actors themselves are real people. Ain’t that cool?!

Anyway! Harry, my darling, my slice of ginger cake on a hot summers day, I love you. I love you with all of my heart, mind, body and soul. You are my English crumpet, buttered and served with a pot of huckleberry jam. You are my prince charming and I am your frog. A very beautiful frog, who happens to look exactly like a really hot human, but a frog nonetheless.

I promise to take care of you, but let’s be real, we’re sorted on the whole money-front. So we can just buy a new palace whenever we have a fight. Won’t that be adorable! And we could- we could pay a scientist to biologically engineer fairies! And then they will be real dammit! They’ll be real and *turn to congregation* you’ll all be wrong! I’ll be the fairy princess and I’ll rule this shitty little country with a delicate flicker of my wings!

*Grab Harry by his face and kiss for approximately twenty seconds*

Harry, babe, I am your god now.


Harry’s Vows For Meghan

Meg! Just got to say, I loved you in Suits. It wasn’t on my binge-watch list but I saw a trailer and thought, “Wow! That tottie is hottie!” So I called your agent up and said that I’d like a piece of that action, and the rest is history.

Now, this is not a time for me to talk about my history. I don’t want to look back on moments in my life that I’m ashamed of. Like when I dressed up as a nazi for shits and giggles. That’s not the man I am anymore. I stand before you today, dressed like a Sith Lord from the inevitable fifth Star Wars trilogy, as a changed man.

I am no longer the party animal I once was. You won’t catch New Harry™ calling you a racial slur, or falling into one of our many swimming pools. I am no longer that man. Although maybe we can play strip billiards every once in a while, because that shit is a lot of fun. *Pause for posh laughter*

Meghan. You have allowed me to become the man I’ve always wanted to be; a handsome prince who’s getting off with a smoking hot actress. And I thank you for that. I promise to be by your side, and lamp any unwanted paparazzo that come our way. I promise to love you until the fourth Death Star has been destroyed. Which will be never, because we’ve learned to not have a weak-spot this time.

Megz, I love you, now kiss me bbz. xoxo


I would one-hundred percent start paying attention to Royal Wedding’s if they went down like that. And you know what, I didn’t watch a single minute of the ceremony, so as far as I’m concerned that’s exactly what happened.

It’s Sunday, May 20th. Happy birthday brother!

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