In its opening weekend, Solo: A Star Wars Story earned a “measly” 85million dollars at the domestic box office. At the time of writing this, the flashback cowboy space-romp has earned an “embarrassing” one-hundred and sixty million dollars worldwide. Only that much in four days?
I understand why Disney are considering this a financial failure, Star Wars is supposed to be a bankable, billion-dollar brand. Although, given the lack of promotion and position in the summer release schedule, I can’t help but wonder if they tanked this one on purpose. For whatever reason.
So I haven’t seen Solo, I’ve heard from people that it’s decent because it doesn’t pretend to be anything more than it is. Even so, it won’t be enough to get me to the cinema. I’ll hit play on Netflix in twelve-months and at the end of Solo I’ll say, “It wasn’t bad, but I’m not going to recommend it, so this experience has benefited maybe one person.”
Setting a reminder for a year from now to see if I say exactly that.
So I thought I’d briefly pitch five ideas for Star Wars spin-off movies. Seeing as how the route of these nostalgia flicks seems to be mad-libbed; *insert established genre* film but in the *name a popular 20th century brand* universe. (E.g. Heist movie, but in the ALF universe) I’m going to follow that formula for my pitches, in the hope that Disney sees them, and they make me a filthy millionaire.
I’m not at all serious about any of these, but it wouldn’t surprise me if we’re about twenty-years away from these abject nightmares.
1. Jabba: A Star Wars Story
Everyone loves gangster movies. You walk into a room of middle-aged, white-collar blokes discussing “cinema” and they’ll say that The Godfather is the greatest movie ever made. So let’s capitalise on that.
It’ll be a young Jabba, but his species lives for hundreds of years, so he’ll essentially look the same. He dresses better, maybe in a smart-casual dinner jacket. The film will centre on him controlling his vast organised crime empire and he’ll be painted as the protagonist to a much larger, more repulsive crime-boss. There’ll be half-naked women in metal bikinis in the movie, the Dads will eat that up and it’s an established character trait for Jabba.
At the end of the film he’ll be banished to Tatooine, having lost the rest of his empire, being allowed to live as long as he remains on the desert planet. A younger Yoda will show up at one point, and Jabba will “make him an offer he can’t refuse”, but he does, and kills all of Jabba’s family. Because who cares about character consistency?
Also, he’ll be voiced by Michael Fassbender, but we change his voice, so you can never tell it’s Fassbender, you know?
2. Now This Is Pod-Racing: Very Fast, Very Dangerous
Didn’t get enough Pod-Racing in Phantom Menace? Fear not! Coming to cinemas in 2031 is a Fast and Furious-like, non-stop action, pod-racing movie. Set fifty years before the events of Episode One, this film follows a group of unlikely Jawas who must compete in Tatooine’s deadliest sport.
The Jawas play the protagonist underdogs of the movie, due to their species not traditionally being allowed to compete in the races. They must overcome prejudice, a harsh desert environment, and themselves, if they are to win the tournament, the grand prize and the respect of their peers.
With a tight run-time of two hours and fifty minutes, this high-speed thriller will feature over two pod-races! Directed by Michael Bay and starring Cate Blanchett as Jawa #4
3. The Cloned Couple
One clone is a straight-laced, no-nonsense, up-tight landlord. The other clone, his tenant, is a crazy-laced, all-nonsense, hang-loose layabout. How will they ever get along?!
Set between the events of episodes 2 and 3, this odd-couple, buddy-comedy flick centres on the lives of Clone 63527 and Clone 63528, as they live together in the same Kamino apartment building. They might be genetically identical, but these two clones couldn’t be more different!
Antics and hi-jinx include them accidentally dating the same clone, having disagreements over the position of the furniture and whether or not they should go looking for their estranged father, Jango Fett, who is rumoured to still be alive after his fight with Obi-Wan Kenobi.
It’s all fun and games until Order 66 is issued, at which point our unlikely pair must face a harrowing moral decision. I’m actually told (not really) that production is already underway on this one, and the guy who played Jango Fett is set to play every single character in the movie.
4. My Wookiee Book
This film is actually a crossover piece. Russel Brand adapts his 2007 memoir to the big screen, only his tales of sex, drugs and debauchery are told from the perspective of a young Chewbacca, whom Russel plays.
Honestly, I’ve started with the title and now I’m tenuously trying to pull together a narrative.
We dive into Chewy’s life as a teenage death-stick addict, growing up in some of the more impoverished areas of Kashyyyk. We learn that he didn’t always talk with a soft growl/chirp, but once had the voice of Russel Brand. His vocal chords were ruined by years of death-stick abuse, and this is reflected as the movie goes on.
Chewy finds fame and fortune in the holo-disc industry, before his career crashes and burns. At which point he’s picked up by a scruffy-looking, vest-wearing rogue…
5. Marvel’s Heroes: A Star Wars Toy Story
Slated for a 2040 release, this will be the last film in the Star Wars franchise before President Ivanka Trump pushes the big red button and sends Earth to a galaxy far-far away.
Set on Earth, a group of Star Wars fans stumble upon a dimension-hopper while sneaking around Disneyland. They learn of some threat to the multi-verse (bla bla, who cares about story, right?) and must assemble all of their favourite heroes from all of their favourite franchises.
They travel to Marvel land and gather all of those guys, a seventy-five-year-old Robert Downey Jr has just finished shooting Iron Man 3 (the third reboot version, so 3.3 technically), and agrees to reprise the suited role one final time, for the sake of continuity.
So they get like, I don’t know, sixty characters from there. Then they go to the Star Wars galaxy and get about forty from there. Then they go to Pixar-land and acquire all of the still-marketable characters. Which by this point is basically just all of the Toy Stories and one of the Cars (Johnny Car?)
Then, they all gather together and defeat the evil villains; Time Warner and Comcast.
Today is Tuesday May 29th and I didn’t have to look up any of the Star Wars lore mentioned in this post. Which is embarrassing.