With Disney buying up more and more of the tentpole franchises that hold the cinema industry together, let’s imagine what the movie landscape will look like in 2040.
Quality, long-form storytelling will always exist on streaming services, and independent or “Indiewood” movies will continue to thrive, especially in response to that dominating, but cute, mouse.
First, let’s look to the year 2040, shall we? A year where Facebook becomes the one and only legal social network in America, by order of a 6-1 vote on the Republican Supreme Court. In 2040, American women no longer have access to abortion as an option. But at least the twenty-two million children being raised in extreme poverty will be able to see the third reboot of the first Iron Man movie, before they die of starvation at the age of twelve.
In less depressing news, a medium-sized bucket of popcorn now only costs $29.99, a 42% decrease from 2018. A Star Wars movie has won the Best Picture Oscar for the last nine years in a row. Even those who defended the franchise’s bold new choices are starting to question whether or not this is best for cinema. Especially when Binks 2: Boss Nass, walks away with a record-breaking twelve Academy Awards.
Now let’s look ahead to the 2040 release schedule for Disney. They have fifty-seven movies out for release in June alone, but we’re going to look at the biggest films for each of the thirteen months.
Oh right, thirteen months. Yeah — In 2036, they decide to make Blarch a thing. It’s a total political move from President Kushner, nobody really buys into it.
January – The Lion King 5D
The latest in Disney’s series of 5D remakes of their live-action remakes of their animated movies. 5D is exactly the same as 3D, only you’re transported to another dimension in order to view the film. Nala is brilliantly played by Miss Interdimensional Being 2038.
February – Jurassic Galaxy 4
Disney purchase the Jurassic franchise in 2029, and reboot with the Galaxy incarnation of the series. They dig up Michael Crichton himself, just so executives can gather around to personally spit inside his grave. The fourth instalment of the “Dinosaurs in space sex-romp” is exactly what you’d expect it to be. It’s also the first ever feature film to show a full penetrative sex scene between a human and an extinct life-form.
March – Toy Story
After a successful run of fifteen animated Toy Story sequels, Disney finally begin live-action remakes of the major Pixar franchises. It doesn’t really work, because grown men and women play tiny living toys, who’re obviously not toys but tiny people, who’re being played with by a full-size boy. Still, it grosses eight billion, so who am I to judge.
Blarch – My Perfect Blarch
An artsy character-driven piece that’s nothing more than a political statement. Two lesser-known actors play Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, the whole film is a dramatisation of how they fell in love over a few weeks in Blarch. Total chic-flick.
April – Pirates of the Carribean: Mission Impossible
This is the safest release of all; A guaranteed crossover hit. It’s actually the last movie Johnny Depp stars in before he’s sentenced to three decades in space prison. And also the last movie Tom Cruise stars in before he drinks seven gallons of powdered butterfly eggs, and sets off on a one-man sailing mission around the world, which he brands the ‘Cruise Cruise’.
May – Star Wars: A Star Wars Story
Some classic meta-fiction here. This film tells the story of how Yoda visited George Lucas in his sleep, and convinced him to conceive the entire franchise we know today. Lucas is played by Paul Giamatti, at all ages of his life, using new ultra-face-sanding, de-pubifying mo-cap techniques. Which are as troubling for society as they sound.
June – Jaws the Shark
A semi-original animated romp from Pixar. We go under the sea and look at how Jaws grew up. We learn he was bullied at his school of fish, and that’s why he turned out the way he did; A f***ing murderer. This is the first of seven planned animated prequels, which will take us right up to the opening scene of Jaws. Jaws (2025) not Jaws (1975)
July – The Joker vs X-Men 2
Disney obviously buy DC. So this film will obviously happen. Twice.
August – Fantasia 2040
The classical music franchise makes its welcome return to the big screen. The animation is as beautiful as ever and it features the works of composers such as; Justin Bieber, Peter Andre, Vengaboys, Vanilla Ice and many many more.
September – Song of the South
No it’s fine now! It’s okay to remake this because we Made Racism Great Again™
October – Spiderman: The Musical: The Movie: Part One
A big-screen recreation of the greatest musical ever produced for Broadway. It takes inspiration from the 2013 and 2032 versions of the production. With a runtime of over four-hundred minutes, it’s heavily tipped to sweep next-years award ceremonies. In 2040, the longer you can distract citizens from the Kill-Bots, the more awards you receive.
November – Cruise Cruise
In a swift production, this biopic chronicles Tom Cruise’s attempt to sail around the world. Dylan Minnette plays Tom Cruise, who died at sea before he could circumnavigate the globe. They give it a typical Hollywood ending though, where Cruise returns safely to his castle of Scientology and enjoys the sexual company of several hundred women, men and pleasure-bots. Eighteen billion dollars.
December – Death Sticks: A Star Wars Story
Remember that guy who attempted to sell Obi Wan Kenobi some drugs in Attack of the Clones? No. Well, now you get to see him in his own stand-alone movie. We find out why he turned to a life of selling death sticks, and why he — oh man — I think I just felt several brain cells melt away into an eternal void. Never mind! It all begins again in 2041!
Well, there you have it. Personally I can’t wait to find out if that asteroid collides with the Earth in 2032, so we don’t have to endure this schedule. Still, thirty dollar popcorn is awfully tempting…
Today is Saturday, July 7th and FOOTBALL IS COMING HOME!