Musk of a Man

Elon Musk is a guy who sees Thai kids in critical danger making the headlines and says “Woah there, that should be me.”

He probably saw it all on a news channel, or whichever microchip he uses to directly upload current events to his brain, as he turned to his robot wife (and three robot children) and told them that Daddy has to go and be Batman for the day.

Muskman? Like, short for Muskratman? Maybe we just go with Ratman.

Well — nobody wanted Ratman. Local rescuers and genuine experts from far and wide, including British diver Vern Unsworth, were already on the scene, being every-day superheroes without needing the publicity.

So let’s talk about Elon Musk for a second. He’s a part of a rare group of people who’re a blight on out species as a whole. No — I’m not talking about white people OR men, not this time. This time, I’m talking about billionaires.

Billionaires are people who do a lot for our society at first, but then not a whole lot of anything after that. The best billionaires aren’t billionaires for very long. They realise that over a billion dollars is too much cash for one person to have acquired and so they redistribute that wealth. Musk is not one of these billionaires.

I can’t deny that his various companies have done a lot of good for humanity. His obsessions with renewable, clean energy and space travel, have provided potential answers to a lot of my anxieties surrounding the future of our species. I’d certainly rather a person with a lot of money had the global population in mind when developing projects, and his first few ideas certainly did that.

We can talk about the poor work conditions in his factories, or the potential for human rights violations, but the truth of it is — that’s how the majority of billionaires operate. Particularly business-based billionaires. Nobody gets that rich, that fast, without cutting a few corners.

I never want to attack Musk for his practices, his projects or his investments, because as far as rich idiots go, he’s probably in the best 1% of the 1%. No, his problem is one that’s prevalent among a lot of billionaires and figureheads in 2018 — he won’t shut up on social media.

I suppose it’s part of the evolution of society, that we have a president who values tweeting more than diplomacy, as well as billionaires who live-tweet their failed attempts at fixing the world’s problems. If the masses are fumbling through a new medium, then you better believe that the hegemonic few are going to have an equally feeble attempt.

So back to Thailand, where Musk brought a tiny submarine. His plan (I think) was to pilot that submarine into the chamber the children were trapped in, presumably to get them supplies? Before he’d use the submarine to bore a hole in the wall of the cave? He does a lot of that these days.

Don’t quote me on his plan, his plan isn’t the important part, as more qualified people than him had already shut his idea down — before he had even arrived in the country.

Vern Unsworth was one of these men. After Musk was sent away from the rescue site, he went on Twitter and called Unsworth a “pedo”. Now, personally, I haven’t heard “peado” used as an insult since secondary school. In the adult world it’s a very serious accusation to throw around. Especially when it’s entirely baseless and unfounded, attacking a man who the general public consider to be a hero.


I’m not even going to point out the fact (I am) that Musk has frequently pursued women who’re much younger than himself. All of whom were over eighteen, but with a twenty-some year age-gap. I’m not saying this isn’t fine — because it is. I’m just saying that maybe men in their forties who go for women in their twenties, shouldn’t be throwing around accusations like that, quite so hastily.

Now, Unsworth is considering legal action against Musk, and I very much encourage it. I’m of the opinion that people should be held accountable for what they say online, and it should be considered even more serious than what we say in person.

Increasingly, our communication takes place on digital platforms, and people with a lot of followers have a great amount of influence over people. When influencers say “it was just a joke”, as a response to a thought-out social media post that receives backlash, they’re not entirely correct. What’s a joke to one person, fuels some dark things in other people.

Billionaires need to be held to the same (if not higher!) standards as the 99%. Elon, pal, you can’t just call someone a peadophile online and not expect a negative reaction. Unless — you know — you’re calling out an actual “pedo”.

If you want to salvage your image, then pay up some damages and then delete your Twitter account, because that shiny Tesla stock is plummeting as you tweet.

Although maybe it’s better that Billionaires do tweet. Most of the ones who do, regularly expose themselves as the out-of-touch repulsive human beings they are. In the case of our supreme leader, he manages to show us every day (in 280 characters or less) how his encroaching dementia is effecting the highest office in the land.

At least if they Tweet, we can see who they really are, and we’re justified in our active displeasure toward them. It’s the ones who keep themselves closed off who’re the real danger. The Koch Brothers, Rupert Murdoch, Disney executives…

The really twisted thing about Musk is that he probably still believes he’s helping humanity. He helped develop the commercial electric car, which is great! But now he appears to be under the impression that every action he makes should be lauded as a philanthropic move of pure genius.

I bet he takes a dump and gets his robot wife to tell him what a good boy he is, and how that particular Tesla Log™ is going to help feed one-hundred impoverished children.

Today is Tuesday, July 17th and someone once said I look like Elon Musk, but with a terminal illness. The worst part? It’s kind of accurate.

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