6 Artists Who Should Have Musical Movies

If ABBA can wring-out a second musical movie from the giant, embroidered, cotton flannel that is their back catalog, then surely other bands and solo artists can join the game. How many songs are on the Mama Mia 2 soundtrack? Fifteen? Pfft — I know at least, like, six artists who have that many songs.

Green Day managed to put together a musical, even if it was adapted from a concept album. And we all remember Spice World; So how hard can it be?

Oasis – (What’s the Story)

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Two brothers, two dreams of what a band should look like. It’s basically one-hundred minutes of two grown men with tiny fringes punching each other in the sunglasses. There’s a ten-minute fight scene in a pub set to ‘Supersonic’ and ‘Cigarettes and Alcohol’, which ends up being far better than it has any right being.

Every time Noel (played by someone who was in Skins) gets halfway through a ballad, Liam (also played by someone who was in Skins) lobs a kebab at his face and another fight ensues.

At the end of the movie a fight breaks out at a gig and everyone ends up dead on the floor; Bugsy Malone style. After a beat, Noel stands up, grabs his guitar and approaches the mic. Then he says “Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.” Credits roll.

£86million on a £20million budget

Lonnie Donegan – Skiffle With Me

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Don’t try and tell me there’s no market for a musical set around the 1950s UK skiffle revival movement. It’s been a long time coming and it’ll break box office records… in Market Deeping, Lincolnshire.

Picture this; Set in 1950s Britain, complete with kitchen-sink realist sets and an entirely working class cast. Directed by Ken Loach’s son; Barry Loach. Ken isn’t available for the project, citing the need to make “culturally significant” films.

The film is about a young man who loses his job, but after he writes some racist graffiti, slaps his wife about a bit and tanks twelve pints down at the local, he gets his job back. It’s all about masculinity in the 50s, and all the things you had to do to be respected back then. Eagle-eyed viewers will spot archive footage of a young John Lennon, in the wife slapping scene.

£200,000 on a £3million budget

Guns N’ Roses – Appetite For Production

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Slated for a 2020 release, but it won’t hit theatres until 2035. This film revolves around the production of a Guns N’ Roses stage musical, in classic musical meta-narrative style. Can they get Axl out from his own arse? Can they get Slash off the bathroom floor? Will Duff form another supergroup on his way to the show? Can anyone name the other guys?

The amazing thing about this film is that the original lineup will play twenty-something actors who’re playing the original lineup in the stage production. Using the magic of CGI and post-production, they’ll be made to look as young as fifty-three, going on fifty-four.

‘November Rain’ lasts about twenty f***ing minutes, as it always does.

$120million on a $900million budget

Britney Spears – Hit Me Baby

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This gritty realist drama about domestic violence is only hampered by its unusual choice of soundtrack. It stars Frances McDormand, Daniel Day-Lewis and Saoirse Ronan and will be one of the most harrowing films of the 21st century so far.

Immediately after a horrific and heart-wrenching scene of behind-closed-doors American domesticity, a single from turn-of-the-millennium, bubblegum-pop artist Britney Spears plays. The director, a Mr K Federline, says that it’s to “Underpin the dramatic peaks of the script, and to get back at Britney, bitch.”

Britney Spears herself will have nothing to do with the project, but as a pop artist of the early 21st century she has no rights to any of her songs, freeing the label to use them as they please.

$20million on a $45million budget, but 11 Oscars, so not bad.

Ramones – Ramones

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Every scene will be a punchy one minute and forty seconds, and not a moment longer. Set on the streets of NYC in the 70s, this twenty-two minute film can hardly be described as feature-length, but it will be marketed as such.

The costumes will be incredible. So much double-denim and double-leather that vegans will picket outside every screening. Which is another reason for the short running time, so they have the energy to stand in front of the cinema for the full film.

I kid the vegans, of course, they’re better than me.

Interestingly, it’s the 53rd film to star Jerry Seinfeld, and the 3rd that he’s directed. Little Ramones joke there — You’re welcome.

$7.50 and a handshake on a $4,000 budget

Ed Sheeran – Maths

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Using music from all four of his math-themed albums, Ed-boy puts together a musical that teaches children the importance of mathematics in the age of the internet.

It includes songs that teach you how to count the current year from the year on the ID, to make sure that you only sleep with appropriately aged groupies. As well as a song that teaches you how to make sure you remain only slightly above the legal blood-alcohol level for driving, and a little ditty about the correct number of lines to snort from a stripper’s stomach.

Rupert Grint will obviously play young Ed Sheeran, whereas Wallace Shawn will play Ed Sheeran as an old man looking back on his life of pure, reckless debauchery.

“Ah to be young again, to be between the sheets with six people at a time, whilst smacked out of my mind on the finest skag. I truly am Thinking Out Loud.”

$1.2billion on a $250million budget, or ‘The Star Wars’


If any producers are interested, hit me up. I have the rights to pretty much all of these artists, by which I mean none. Maybe Lonnie’s work will go public domain in a couple decades time, so we can just make that one anyway. Call me.


Today is Tuesday, July 31st and this is a note to lawyers to say that I made those jokes about Ed Sheeran because he has a squeaky clean image.

 

 

 

 

 

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