Excerpt From the “Succeeding” New York Times in 2023

So I’ve been to 2023 of the darkest timeline (don’t ask me how), where Trump gets his way on how the news is reported in this country. Gone are the days of “fake news”, where events are reported as they happen, from an unbiased position. There’s no more data or statistics for people to trip over, no sir, we don’t need no stinking facts.

The following is an excerpt from the “succeeding” New York Times of 2023, six months away from the President finishing his second term in office.

Please remember that this is a work of hyperbolic fiction, just like Breitbart and Infowars of today.


Everything Is Fine Thanks To President Trump

By Larry Capture

I woke up and said my morning prayer to President Trump. I did it in front of a little shrine to him I have in the corner of my bedroom. I make sure that the picture of him is facing the bed, so that President Trump can always watch me perform. I believe he smiles down upon me, provides me with extra virility and it really helps my libido knowing he’s there.

I kissed my wife, who is to remain in the kitchen until I return from work, and headed out to the new, successful New York Times offices — which are made from solid gold thanks to President Trump.

On my drive I passed by thousands of starving veterans, and families with very young children — who were queuing for the last of the pointless polio vaccines. I thought to myself, ‘If only they would bow down and worship our God President as I do, then they would be saved from this liberal nightmare.’

I arrived at the offices and was handed my assignment for the day; I have been charged with reporting on the successful rally President Trump held in Topeka last night. Goodie! I love when I get to talk positively about our war hero President; The man who cured cancer, sent us to Mars and has a twelve inch penis.

The rally was an overwhelming success, with two million people there live to watch President Trump deliver a genius and flawless three hour speech. There are rumours on the lying social media that President Trump plans on breaking US constitutional law by running for a third term, but these are absolute lies and falsifications by the demented social media.

Anyway, President Trump’s campaign speech focused largely on his re-election efforts, he’s going to be the first non-wartime President in history to serve a third term and it’s absolutely wonderful news. His opponent, the sweaty Joe Kennedy, is expected to lose by — I don’t know — ninety points?

It doesn’t matter because President Trump has already won this election, due to the overwhelming love and support shown to him on a daily basis. At this rally alone, he was asked to kiss twenty-nine babies, and he only took three of them back to his private dressing room this time.

Now, the lying social media would say that he’s going to do something sexually inappropriate to those young patriots — WRONG — he’s only going to offer them in a blood sacrifice to Beelzebub in order to maintain his youth. WRONG AGAIN LIBERALS! CHECKMATE YOU SNOWFLAKE CUCKS! President Trump is no longer a pedophile, no matter what your lying social media tells you.

The three million-strong crowd listened in awe as President Trump spoke about the 0% unemployment rate and the 100% absolutely awesome rate. We all then erupted into a thirty-minute chant of, “Build that wall!” and “Lock her up!”. I’ve forgotten which wall we’re supposed to be building, and who we’re supposed to be locking up exactly — but I’m sure it will come back to me.

PRESIDENT TRUMP DOES NOT HAVE DEMENTIA!

The rally closed with President Trump declaring his plans for the next four years. These included a complete exit from the “toxic” United Nations, as well as their “biased” human right acts. He’s calling for a removal of laws against incest, as he eyed up “beautiful” future fourth-wife Ivanka. Finally, he declared a complete and total war on poverty. In that we should all leave this rally and physically assault anyone who makes less than $80,000 a year.

I held up my democratic duty by clocking an out of work veteran with a big hammer. He was holding up a sign that asked why we’re having another $100million military parade tomorrow, instead of looking after our veterans, so I absolutely caved his skull in. MAGA.

The latest collection of Trump memes will be available on the NYT front page later today — I’m sure you’re all looking forward to sharing those. But now I must return to my wife and seven year old child, who hate me, and remind them why they need to shut up now because Trump is president and their precious Obama is gone.

Myself and the four million others who attended last night’s rally in our patriotic white hoods, are proud of our President. This is the greatest time to be an American, its the best time, no time is better than this time. President Trump makes for the best America, no President has ever America like Trump. Trump is America and America is MAGA — so Trump is indubitably so.

smilingtrump


Obviously the above is a work of fiction, it’s just what I assume Trump would want the media to look like in America if he had his way.

Seriously though, the attacks he’s making on the media are extremely damaging to a healthy democracy. I tolerate Fox News Entertainment, but I’d never call for it to be banned from attempting to report the news, because a healthy democracy has a wide range of media outlets.

Donald Trump might want a media that simply glorifies his name and image, but it’s important for a democratic leader to have their mistakes reported as well, so that we can make informed decisions come election time.


Today is Friday, August 3rd and Stewart Lee’s new stand-up special is great.  

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