Tea for the Paperman

Alex “Boris” Johnson attempted to deflect questions from journalists yesterday by offering them a round of the nation’s favourite drink. No — it wasn’t Tizer — he emerged from his country home carrying a tea tray.

His attempt appeared to work, as now people seem to be discussing Johnson’s beverage brilliance, and not the fact that he made Islamophobic comments last week.

Take the title of this piece for example, it’s all about the tea. Tea gets clicks, tea gets reads — everyone loves tea, whereas very few people enjoy reading about religious prejudice.

I’m more disappointed in the journalists than in Boris himself. My entire life I’ve watched Boris do increasingly buffoonish things, in order to deflect from his deeply disturbing personal views and actions. He was Donald Trump before Donald Trump was Donald Trump.

Oh no — I’ve heard that if you say his name three times quickly he appears behind you.

I genuinely just looked over my shoulder after typing that — what’s wrong with me?

The journalists laughed and many accepted Boris’ gift of leaves and water. You see, most aren’t there to push for the hard answers, most just want something to write about in order to fill the pages of their paper — So Rupert Murdoch has something to masturbate over the next day.

As soon as Boris emerged with the tray in his “casual rugby-wear” and “sleepy-time summer shorts”, they knew they had their story. If we’re being honest, no self-respecting journalist would’ve been camped outside of Johnson’s house anyway.

Boris has figured out that he can deflect the kinds of journalists who would park themselves in front of his, presumably, three million pound home — by simply offering them everyday things, in brightly coloured containers.

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Let’s talk about his mug choice for a second, shall we? He certainly hasn’t said anything terrible in the last week that we should focus on. So let’s look at the mugs of tea, yeah?

Boris has himself here a classic muddle o’ mugs, but it’s so stereotypical that it looks to be that way by design.

I’ll preface this list by saying that they’ve obviously “stunt mugs” (as they’re known in the business); Mugs he keeps around for whenever he needs to appear normal. Nobody buys packs of mugs, except the upper-middle-classes and those who want to appear like the upper-middle-classes. Normal people just sort of collect a hodgepodge of mugs from gifts, souvenirs and maybe the odd hotel.

The Early 00s Cow-Print Mug — I believe this to be the first mug bought and added to the collection. Sometime around 2003 he decided that he’d need a group of
“normal looking” mugs, so he went out and bought the first mug he could find. The pattern is obviously at least ten years old, but the texture has not faded, thus proving that he does not use these mugs on a regular basis.

The Faux-Pottery Blue Floral Mug — It’s my belief that this mug is a part of his regular set of mugs, which he uses primarily to drink the tears of families who queue for food banks. Rees-Mogg hooks him up with a regular supply. He has, rather cleverly, realised that he can take one mug from the set and add it to his mug mix, as it won’t look overtly fanciful on its own.

The Cadbury’s Mini Egg Mug — The most politically motivated of all the mugs. This came from an Easter egg box, Easter being a Christian holiday, but one that has enough secular overtones to appease the entire nation. Normal, working class people buy Easter eggs — at least they did before the sugar tax. 45% of British households own this exact same mug, and Johnson is well aware.

The Sports Club Logo Mug — This one is tricky to make out. Boris should’ve made this mug merchandise from a football club shop. From either the team that was selected for him by the Conservative party, or one of the London ones. But its tucked away towards the back of the tray, and obscured from a clear camera shot, so I’m going to assume that it’s a rugby club mug, disguised as a football mug.

The Yellow Mug With Text — Absolutely impossible to read what this mug says. We can only speculate that it’s something along the lines of “don’t worry, be happy” or “live, laugh, love”. Maybe “take all of their money and hoard it, you delicious arse-hole” managed to sneak its way onto the tray; A Christmas gift from George Osbourne.

The Penguin Classics Mug — We can see it hidden-away at the back. The basic white girl of mugs; A staple to go with the basic white man of politics.

See, he has us sat here talking about mugs. The blonde boy-wonder has duped us once more! Here I am speculating on his hilariously obvious choice of mug, instead of re-hashing exactly why what he said about the burka was wrong.

I’m going to do that typical left-wing thing of “could you imagine if…” in regards to this, but it’s a fairly apt moment.

Could you imagine if Jeremy Corbyn responded to the anti-semitism within the Labour Party by offering everyone at the press conference a mug of tea? He wouldn’t be allowed back inside the House of Commons, and the press would drag him so far through the mud that he’d be removed as party leader.

What Boris did yesterday was patronising and served no purpose other than to deflect from the serious issues he’s facing right now. I’ll be clear on something; I don’t personally think he should resign over his Telegraph article. I’m not some angry individual who is gunning for his job based on righteous outrage. He’s done far worse things to the people of this country, via his party’s policy. If he’s to be removed, it should be for something else.

He should, however, apologise. He said something that wasn’t his place to comment on, and did it with the sort of derision that stirs up racial-hatred among readers of The Daily Mail or The Sun — who use snippets of The Telegraph to rile-up their base.

At the moment, he doesn’t want to be sorry, and can’t understand what he has done wrong. A man who isn’t humble, and who can’t admit when he’s made a mistake, is several months away from making a play for Prime Minister. To quote Boris himself; “This simply isn’t on chaps.”


Today is Monday, August 13th and thousands of people were playing Pokemon GO together in local parks on the weekend, and that was cool.


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4 thoughts on “Tea for the Paperman

  1. Absolutely love this article and would love to know what Americans think of him. Personally I believe that if this happened in a local government/ council, he would be fired. However, to the point of my comment… I watched this clip on BBC breakfast this morning and to my horror…. He left the teabag in.

    Liked by 1 person

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