Six Things We’ll Miss After Brexit

The following is a work of hyperbolic satirical fiction — I only believe that three (maybe four) of these things will actually happen.

It’s 2029 and Britain has been out of the EU for a decade. It didn’t exactly go according to plan, but when there’s not much of a plan in place — that’ll happen. Over the last ten years the UK has slowly severed ties with various branches of EU government, and the economy has gone down the toilet faster than a dead pet goldfish.

Who would’ve guessed that in an increasingly globalised community, it would be better to rally together instead of pull apart?

America were our hope for a strong and stable future, but they did a lot of mad and unexpected things. The UK’s only export last year, for example, was from their newly founded sweet shop industry — sorry — sweat shop industry — for an order of ten million Ivanka Trump 2028 bumper stickers.

1. Scotland

scoteu

After living through the first few years of the disastrous Brexit, during which poverty increased by 30% and “generalised death” increased by 170%, Scotland decided to hold another referendum for independence. The result was the biggest landslide victory in history for an uncorrupt democracy — with 97% voting to be free of the UK.

By 2025 Scotland were back in the EU. Europe, being the cheeky scamps they are, decided to give special treatment to Scotland, just to annoy the rest of the UK. Half-price energy imports and all-you-can eat bratwurst — that sort of thing.

Ireland have entered talks this year to reunify the country as one. With Catholics and Protestants doing everything they can to improve centuries of turmoil. One Catholic priest said:

“Well what’re the differences anyway? So they don’t have as many sacraments and their churches aren’t quite as shiny — we still all worship the same almighty. We definitely do — don’t we? Ah it doesn’t matter either way, they can worship Satan himself for all I care — nobody deserves to suffer through that Brexit s**te.”

2. Cheap and Easy Holidays

flight

Europe has been our off-shore neighbour for the last 9,000 years, ever since the collapse of Doggerland. Those Tardenoisian’s didn’t have the branding ability of modern man, so despite this being a physical “Brexit”, it was simply referred to by locals as “a shift in landmass based on the melting of glaciers, erosion and the ever-changing effects of continental drift — Ugg!”

For around 2% of those last 9,000 years, British people have enjoyed quick and easy holidays to mainland Europe. Well — no more! Now it’ll only be hassle-free if you can present a cash donation to Greece, which is currently going through its 5th financial crisis, but as it’s part of the EU it hasn’t descended into a dystopian hell-scape.

EasyJet had to rebrand as RuddyDifficultJet, and their flights now cost nearly three times as much — starting at £19.99. The majority of UK holidays now take place on British soil, with Brighton and Blackpool once again becoming coastal meccas. The good news is that thanks to climate change, Hartlepool can now enjoy thirty-five degree heat all year round.

3. Arts and Culture

There’s a theory about creativity and poor mental health going hand in hand. That those who suffer with depression, anxiety, PTSD etc. use art to express how they’re feeling in an attempt to heal. Well, there’s depression and then there’s Brexit Britain.

There’s a tipping point for mental anguish, after which you can no longer create. What happened to the musicians, filmmakers, writers, actors, artists, dancers and photographers? They all jumped into the North Sea in 2027. Most were attempting to swim to Scandinavia, but obviously most of them died. They were malnourished creatives, not athletes.

For a while, Britain decides that it’s doing okay without arts or culture — it means everyone left behind is focused on repairing the shattered economy and putting out all of the sudden wildfires. At least that’s how it is for the 7am-9pm workday. When you want to relax for two hours before bed, all you have left is the Slade back-catalogue and fifty Liam Gallagher solo albums. As you were x

4. Food

rootvegetables

Oh you love your food don’t you? I’ve seen you, with your Tesco meal-deals and corn-beef cutlets from Iceland. Well there’ll be none of that in Brexit Britain — No sir.

I hope you’ve enjoyed your food, because it’s strictly potatoes and other root-based vegetables from here on out. Scientists say that in twenty years it’ll be warm enough in the UK to grow tropical foods during the winter, but until then it’s going to be turnip stew, turnip meal-deals and turnip cutlets, from Iceland.

There was a man from Hemel Hempstead called Gary who started up a chicken farm in 2028, but it was overrun by starving citizens three months later. I’m told that Gary was delicious. Which reminds me, cannibalism in Brexit Britain increased by 7000% in just ten years. But that’s a skewed statistic, because it was only people in Middlesbrough partaking before we left the EU.

5. Premier League Football

The economy just couldn’t support the greatest football league on the planet. The FA and FIFA decided to move everything to mainland Europe, to keep as many international brands alive as possible. They simply tweaked the names slightly, to make them more marketable on the continent, teams now include:

  • Bayern Watford
  • Athletico Palace
  • FC Pool de Liver
  • Manchesteré Unité
  • Everton
  • Le Chelsea

6. Hope for a Better Tomorrow

bojogodking

For a short while it looked as though there might be a Brexit backlash, right up until the hanging of Jeremy Corbyn in 2024, then everyone just sort of gave up and went home to cry into their remaining linens.

Boris Johnson became Prime Minister, and declared himself the “jolly brilliant dictator of this beautiful Britain” — he’s told the media that he “shan’t be up for election” for at least another couple of decades, “so stop asking and drink your bloody tea!!!”

Only 5% of people who voted for Breixt are still alive in 2029, and nobody can really remember what the whole thing was about — or why we did it in the first place. Everyone is worse off, and those who aren’t worse off are dead. The average British person in 2029 really envies the dead.

The one hope that the people have left is the theory that the British Isles might just sink into the Atlantic Ocean and be gone forever. This rumour, perpetuated by crackpot scientists and fringe revolutionaries, is what keeps the heart of Britain thumping — albeit on a life-support machine after a quadruple bypass.

And isn’t that just so wonderfully British; The thing keeping everyone alive is the promise of a cold, damp death.


Today is Tuesday, August 14th and I’m glad Disney haven’t white-washed the live-action Mulan.


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