Now that Danny Boyle has dropped out of Bond 25 due to “creative differences”, the 25th adventure for the suit-wearing, car destroying, pussy galore-ing spy, needs a new director at the helm.
Boyle — director of Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionaire, among other things — would’ve been enough to drag me to the cinema to see a Bond film, for the first time since Casino Royale. I don’t particularly enjoy Bond, but I do enjoy Boyle’s films.
I thought he was an odd choice back in March, when he was announced for the project, but was happy to go along with it, as it would mean that I’d see a modern Bond film at the same time as everyone else — allowing me to participate in a culturally relevant conversation for once.
Alas, Boyle and Bond have parted ways. He probably wanted to load 007 up on opium before his first mission, or recast Ewan McGregor as the chauvinist spy in a bid to “Make Bond Scottish Again”.
Now, a new director is needed, and given the odd, mildly stylistic choice of Danny Boyle, let’s pointlessly pitch for five other directors to take on the task.
1. Christopher Nolan
“Can you keep a secret? I bet you could — because you’re a spy and you have to — that’s the rule.”
Given Nolan’s style of “men in suits walking around cities doing things”, it’s surprising that he hasn’t yet directed a Bond movie. Bond 25 could now be his opportunity.
Under Nolan, Bond will be recast — with Tom Hardy replacing Daniel Craig, in order to give Craig the sweet escape he’s been longing for, for the last twelve years. Tom Hardy will also play the villain, the henchman, M, Q, P, T, S, D and, of course, Moneypenny.
The film will take place in London, and then New York City — but will it really be either of these places? Bond’s past will literally catch up with him, as he’s chased down by a sharp-dressed Cillian Murphy and beaten over the head with the concept of time.
Several people will claim to understand the exact ending of Nolan’s Bond 25, where Bond mysteriously vanishes into a 6×2 black hole. But given that it’s open to a variety of interpretations and that’s the point, they’re probably just trying to use basic film analysis to sleep with you.
2. Greta Gerwig
“For my entire life, I’ve wanted to be something other than a spy — I just don’t think that’s attainable for me right now.”
In this version of Bond 25 we go back to the days of James fresh out of the academy, where he’s played by Alex Lawther. He takes undercover work in Brooklyn, where he must infiltrate a group of socialite hipsters who all have dreams of becoming “content creators for old new-media”. James develops his podcast, but his status as a spy is revealed when he nervously fumbles his way through an episode on the history of the secret service.
A dreamy but well-rounded love interest comes into play (Dakota Fanning) and helps to hide his secret from the rest of the group. However, it turns out that she’s working for the Kremlin to spread misinformation throughout NYC. James must put his feelings aside and detain his American love, all as he tries to make it as a twenty-something in the city.
This is the first Bond movie to not feature James driving a vehicle, as it would be ridiculous to own a car in New York. However, the sound recording equipment should satisfy those who watch Bond flicks for the tech.
3. David Lynch
“The name is *eternal screams from the void*, James *eternal screams from the void*”
Why not? Isn’t the true definition of counter-culture and high-art to take the most popular forms and turn them on their head? It’s not? Well I’d still like to see this.
In this version of Bond 25 we open somewhere in the middle of the Nevada desert, where we hold on a shot of insects devouring a rotting cactus, for about twenty minutes. It represents the parasitic nature of the secret service, of course.
Bond, played by Kyle Maclachlan, is getting on a bit and is looking to retire, but he’s been called out for one last job — which will take place in a dream-dimension that’s only visible to those who have a J in their name.
007 must collect the souls of 001-006 in order to push beyond this realm and visit the source of the inter-dimensional crimes. Bond then confronts a talking lamppost, who is trying to smuggle all the evils of man into a washing machine in Berlin. They play a game of chess to decide the fate of the universe, but Bond loses and then wakes up in the body of an actress in 1950s Los Angeles.
4. Woody Allen
“Oh gee, I guess I’m going to have to put my gun into your holster — if you catch my drift.”
This one’s easy for Allen, who’ll be writing, directing, producing and starring. It’s exactly like a Bond movie — he sleeps with girls half his age, people of colour are almost non-existent and he focuses on a lot of things that are no longer culturally relevant. Next.
Nothing like Casino Royale (1967) — this one’s a drama.
5. Wes Anderson
“Keep your hands off my guns! I shall be taking this up with the hotel manager, you can bank on that, buster.”
This would be such an aesthetically pleasing Bond. A clear palette will be chosen by Anderson, probably lots of chrome colours. Edward Norton will tackle the role of Bond, in an international epic that takes place all across the globe.
Anderson’s Bond 25 will be praised for its soundtrack, with a robotically revived Lou Reed scoring the theme for the title sequence — It’s Such a Perfect Day to Die — which will pick up the academy award for best original song in 2021.
Bill Murray will play the villain, a deadpan businessman who doesn’t take himself too seriously, but who also wants to kill everyone on Earth who’s never seen The Exterminating Angel.
Oh, and Bond fans can also expect car-chase sequences to be entirely stop-motion animated, as well as being set to a soundtrack of a Dutch-language singer covering songs by Bob Dylan.
Today is Monday, August 27th and yesterday we met a couple who had a Twin Peaks themed wedding.
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