Interview with Creed Bratton

You may have seen the “interview” with Drew Barrymore that found its way into an in-flight EgyptAir magazine. It’s a mishmash of misquotes, bundled together in order to resemble a one-on-one interview with the actress. There’s also conjecture and plenty of what appears to be personal opinion thrown onto the voice of the actress.

Apparently it’s that easy to secure an interview with a Hollywood A-Lister so I thought I’d give it a go myself. Now, I couldn’t quite fake-track-down someone of Drew Barrymore’s caliber — A lot of people on her level just aren’t fake-available. But I did manage to secure a fake-interview with TV’s Creed Bratton, known for playing a fictionalised version of himself on beloved sitcom The Office.

He was pretty hard to fake-get-in-touch with, but I fake-managed it. I figured that if EgyptAir are getting more attention for pretending to interview people, then maybe I could do the same for this blog.

Sorry if you were expecting an interview with the real Creed Bratton, Im sure if I’d reached out I would’ve gotten a response of some kind, but that’s not what this is about. This is fake.

So the following interview is obviously fake (because I’ve said it a thousand times to avoid libel), but it was the best fake-interview I could fake-get on such fake-short notice.

No wait, real-short notice.

creedtwo

I sat down with Creed Bratton, star of The Office, over a public brunch of pastries, gammon and pickled eggs. Mr Bratton also had a side of scampi.

I first asked Mr Bratton what it had been like working on one of America’s most beloved sitcoms?

He responded promptly; Well it was just a blast you know — Being in that place at that time. Never been another decade like it, the sixties, they really were a magical time for all of us. Are you gonna eat that ham?

No — I — Go ahead. I mean, what was it like working on NBC’s The Office? It’s such a beloved sitcom.

Oh that old thing. Well it was what it was. It was great working with Michael, Dwight, the tall one and the woman. They were all great people.

*Nervous laughter* Well sure the characters were fun — But what was it like working with the legendary Steve Carell?

Which one was Steve again?

…Michael Scott?

Oh he was a total clown. Left me to my own devices, which was great for me of course, it meant I could run my own operations. Yep — Couldn’t have asked for a better boss. You have to try these pickled eggs, they’re real next-level stuff.

Hang on a minute, do you think you actually worked at Dunder Mifflin? The paper company in Scranton, Pensilvania?

Of course I did — I’m Creed.

Yeah but — Oh I see — I was actually hoping to get an interview with the real Creed Bratton, not the character from the show.

Well that’s your problem man, you’re inventing all of my words — Even these ones. So if you wanted an interview with the real Creed Bratton, then that’s what you should’ve written. Could you pass the ketchup?

I suppose you’re right. So does that mean I can just suddenly decide that you’re now the real Creed Bratton? In order to salvage this fake-interview.

*Inaudible, his mouth full of eggs*

Yeah that would be cheating I guess. Well, while I have you fake-fake-Creed — I guess I could ask you some questions about your time at Dunder Mifflin. Erm — Oh I know — Why didn’t you join Michael Scott Paper Company?

Too much of a spotlight. If I’d joined Michael with his little — what would you call it? Side Opperation? If I’d done that I’d have had the feds breathing down my neck at every turn. That’s not what I needed back then. Actually, it’s not really what I need now. You’re not with the FBI are you?

No. I mean — You know I’m not.

Oh right, yeah, because I’m you pretending to be Creed, who is in turn pretending to be the fictionalised version of Creed. Real tangle you’ve got yourself in here kid, how are those mental backflips for you? I do five-hundred a day, it’s how I keep my skin looking so youthful, like a god-damn basilisk.

Right. Except you don’t look that young, do you?

How dare you. *Slams ketchup bottle on table and glares intensely into my eyes* How old do you think I am? Go on — Guess.

Seventy-five?

Wrong! I’m ninety-six — Next question.

Okay…Well what’re your plans for the future?

Well after I finish up this little breakfast interview here, I’ll probably head on over to the local college, see if any of the kids there wanna buy any of my home-baked brownies.

Are they pot brownies?

Keep it down!? You narc!

Actually, I probably know if they’re pot brownies or not — Because I’m also you. So all I have to do is think about it, and then decide.

Now you’re getting it kid, feel the force.

I’m going to say they’re not. That’s a twist to the tale, because everyone expects them to be pot brownies. But it turns out they’re just delicious, gooey, chocolate brownies handed down through six generations of Bratton’s.

That’s exactly it! The student has become the teacher. Except — Get this — I’m gonna sell them as pot brownies anyway, to get a higher price. I’ll have skipped town by the time anyone notices a thing.

You’re a genius Creed!

No — You’re me — So you’re the genius! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to catch the next Ostrich downtown, President Nixon needs me to fix his sink.

What?

I don’t know man, it’s your imagination. *Hops on disgruntled ostrich*

creedthree.jpg


So yeah, I’ve submitted that interview to EgyptAir and I’m hoping to hear back from them soon. I tried to emulate their style as best I could, so, fingers crossed!

Images are courtesy of absolutely whoever owns them, it’s not like EgyptAir took those photos of Drew Barrymore — There are no rules anymore!


Today is Thursday, October 4th and my cat was sick on my feet immediately after I finished meditating this morning.

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