Predicting Trump

At a rally in Montana last night, Trump praised congressman Greg Gianforte for his body-slamming of a reporter in 2017. Given the current climate of state-sponsored assassinations of journalists, maybe a joke about violence towards the free press wasn’t the best call.

I’ve decided not to write about that specifically this morning, as I’m sick of writing about the latest demented thing Trump has said. So instead I want to predict some of the insane things that Trump will say (either in interviews or at rallies) in the next couple of years. Then, in 2020 (or 2024), when this weird blip in the American timeline is over, we can look back on this list to see how many I got right. You can all buy me a drink or something, I really don’t mind.

They won’t be anything obvious, like an impeachment reaction — Just little things that will get him in trouble with 60% of America and the rest of the world, but have the 40% double-down on him for some reason. Roll clickbait title…

Four Things Trump Will Say in the Next Two Years, But Also He Might Not Because This Isn’t Science

1. Proud “Cradle Robber”


The current frontrunners to win the Democratic primaries are Joe Biden (75) and Bernie Sanders (77). With Donald Trump (72) being the spring-chicken of the bunch, age will likely be a topic in 2019 and 2020.

The Democratic party needs a prominent young voice, and they have several potential future candidates waiting in the wings, but none will have enough experience by 2020. So maybe the Democrats learn their lesson and nominate Sanders, but it’ll be one election too late, as Bernie would be knocking-on eighty by the time of his inauguration.

Trump will mention this during the primaries, despite his poorer mental and physical health. During a campaign rally speech he’ll brag about how much younger he is than Sanders, commenting that he still plays golf on a regular basis and spends a lot of time with Kanye West. However, he will also let slip that he currently sleeps with young women, forgetting to use the past-tense in his verbiage.

Prediction: Trump will say “I even have sex with beautiful young women” and the media will take that to mean currently, Trump will be referring to the porn-stars he paid off in the past, and the White House will have to spin it as — “He meant Melania… and also not plural.”

2. The Saudi Arabian Accent


This one won’t sound as bad as it’s intended, as we know that Trump can’t do accents or impressions. Every time he attempts to impersonate someone, they just sound like Donald Trump. I won’t overanalyse that one.

The West is in a difficult situation with Saudi Arabia at the moment. SA are like that terrible partner you had — the one who says they’re going to be better, do less terrible things and try to spend more time with your friends — but they haven’t shown signs of improvement, and occasionally do something worse than ever before. The problem is, you can’t leave them, because of their lucrative billion-dollar business-deals and oil supplies. I sort of killed the relationship analogy there, but it’s fine, we’re here now.

Trump will eventually have to take a hard public stance on SA, even if he continues to deal with them in the dark (everyone else will be, this isn’t a Trump specific thing). And so I think he’ll use a mocking tone when repeating the words of a Saudi Prince or official.

Prediction: Trump will do an offensive accent, but we’ll only know it was intended as such because he does a weird thing with his face/arms/body — The voice will sound 90% like Donald Trump.

3. House of Representatives? House of Shmepreshmentatives.


Democrats taking the senate seems like a big stretch, although it would send a message to America that would also slowly save the morality of the Republican party. However, most are predicting that the Democrats will take the house. This is an absolute must for America. The Presidency, the house, the senate and the supreme court would make for a violent and terrifying two years. If we thought white supremacists marching in public and children in cages were bad, wait until you see what the Good Old Boys do with a stacked deck.

If Trump’s Republican army loses the House, he will try to claim that it doesn’t really matter anyway. After touting that every seat is important in recent rallies, he’ll brush it all under the rug and focus on the senate and supreme court victories.

This would be Trump’s first real defeat since taking office, and he has a track record of not responding well to failure. The last couple of times he bankrupted himself, went millions of dollars into debt and released Trump Steaks.

Prediction: Trump will act like the midterms were no big deal. He’ll start talking about his success with Kavanaugh and that he beat Hillary in 2016 immediately after the mid-term results.

4. The Kushner Rant


Trump is very family-oriented when it comes to his own blood. As the Mueller investigation gets closer to Trump’s family, in the form on Don Jr and his meetings with Russian diplomats, the President will deny all allegations towards his son to the bitter-end. However, we also know that Trump is a yuge fan of divorce, and so I think he’ll throw Jared Kushner under the bus to protect his “baby-girl” Ivanka (36, not even his youngest daughter).

I listened to a podcast series recently about the Nixon Presidency — Watergate, the tapes, the trials and impeachments. That all took several years to come about, and Mueller is using a similar, careful process as he works from the outer-circle, inwards. The evidence is increasingly alarming, albeit slow. Kushner, his international dealings and his tax-evasions, will all be big topics in 2019 (I think).

And so, to distance himself from his greasy son-in-law, Donald will go on a rather extended rant about “cheating” Jared Kushner. He’ll start bringing-up things that reporters don’t even know about, in order to besmirch Kushner’s character. I’m talking dinner-table stories and personal details. “Ivanka told me he can’t even get it up sometimes, I have no problems there honey, let me tell ya.”

Prediction: Trump will turn on, and subsequently rant about, Jared Kushner when he’s brought down for tax evasion and possibly treason. All to take the focus away from himself.

Today is Friday, October 19th and it’s all just a bit of fun really, isn’t it?

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