Merry Christmas!

WOW, my first Christmas themed morning blog post. Okay — What should I write about?

Maybe something about Santa being a socialist and yet the sanctity of 20th century, capitalistic Christmas is most upheld by staunch conservative institutions.

Or perhaps I should highlight the inequalities and injustices around America at the moment, and calculate just how many families of government workers will be worse off this year (and in early 2019) thanks to Trump’s shutdown.

Oh, I know! I can retell a popular Christmas story, but hide an allegory for climate change in the subtext. Yeah, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is wearing swim shorts in the middle of Alaska, and he’s not even cold!

…Or not.

We might be more divided as a species than we have been for a few decades, but that happens every generation — It too shall pass.

I think we can all agree that the holidays mean something to each of us. Whether that’s time spent with lots of family, some family, friends or just some quality time for yourself.

We might all share different beliefs, opinions and ideologies, but (for the most part) we all want a lot more peace between ourselves and our fellow humans.

So let’s agree to be less combative in 2019. To start fixing problems through dialogue, data, and kindness, and definitely not by yelling insults at each other.

Thanks for reading these words, I hope you have a Merry Christmas and that you spread some of that peace to your own, personal worlds.

If Christmas isn’t for you, then screw Christmas! What a colourful, arrogant prick. But still consider a thick slice of peace this Holiday Season, you’ll feel all the better for it.

As for me? Well I’ll be spending the day with our little family below the mountains. I must leave now, for our cat has taken ornaments from the tree again.


Today is Monday, December 24th and I hope you’ve watched Muppets by now, but don’t worry there’s still time!

Short Story – “Santa Kramp”

I’ve decided that it’s worth writing down just how all of this came about. A major shift took place last year and it’s my belief that future generations will want to read about it for themselves. A hundred years from now they’ll probably be teaching the events of 2016 in schools. First though, as official librarian for our organisation, I think it’s important that I discuss a little about our history, in order to truly explain exactly what happened this past season.

The role of Santa is the single most important position at the North Pole. Sure, you have the head-elves, the wise-elves, the production managers, the workshop managers and the floor managers, but Santa is absolutely the most important. Without the big guy holding us all together, our production tends to stall, or fall apart completely. Due to the importance of this role, it has never been an elected position in the same way that the roles of head-elves are decided. We felt very early on that this would lead to a corrupt system, making the focus of each new season campaigning, instead of christmas.

For this reason, the role of Santa has always been passed down through generations. The way in which we handle everything is very much like a traditional monarchy. The same family (the Clauses) held the position of Santa for over six-hundred years, and everyone at the North Pole has been happy with their work, for the most part. You see, the position of Santa is important, but it’s also purely ceremonial. The work that he carries out on the evening of the 24th of December each year, uses copious amounts of magic. So really, any person in a red suit and half a brain could complete the duties required of the role. Trust me, most of the hard work and difficult decisions are carried out by the elves here at the North Pole.

This isn’t to say we don’t respect Santa, because we do. It’s just that these days, the role still exists because of all the branding that’s firmly in place with humanity. Market research shows that if a tiny elf in a red jacket came shuffling down the chimney on Christmas Eve, children would be both confused and disappointed. We actually trialled this once, in the Indonesian market, where brand perception and recognition fell by 70% that year. Santa isn’t going anywhere, that role will continue to exist for as long as our operation does. However, last year, after a series of unforeseen and unavoidable circumstances, the family filling the position would need to change.

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